a few months ago, we found out we were pregnant. A complete shock to us...we weren't trying and one little mishap with the pill and we saw two little lines, on lots of sticks.
My hubby was excited...he was ready and willing. I, was in shock, and I cried LOTS. (The hormones were in full motion!) The cries of 'why did this happen?' and 'I was just completely happy with my 3 little ones'!! After a week, I came to terms with it and prayed, Lord, you've got this! And felt peace...
A day later, I miscarried.
My 'due date' is coming up...tax day.
Lots of friends I know are getting pregnant and having babies...
I didn't think I would be having weird feelings...
I was actually relieved.
I felt selfish. And I still feel selfish! Why would I want that to not happen?
How could I be happy with that outcome? Months later, I think I'm mourning the loss...I've had a miscarriage before when our Cole was just 2 years old...we were trying, and I was devastated!
I said to my close friends that I'm okay with the outcome, that I felt like it was a conformation with my heart, knowing I'd be okay if we were done, that I'm ready to close that chapter...and I truly believed that. I still do...
Just some thoughts wondering about that baby...and if we ever really truly feel 'done'.
4 Leave a comment:
Amy, sometimes I think we get surprised by our emotions and thoughts. You serve a sovereign, loving and wise God who has purpose and goodness in all that he does for you ... and nothing can thwart his plans for your life. I will pray for you today ; )
Hey Girl....we've miscarried twice too...and the second on was just like your last one - a complete shock. Jaden was only 6 months old when I got pregnant. I was just like you (go figure) and cried and was kind of freaking out. Then I got over it and decided it could be fun...then we miscarried. I was a mixture of devastated and relieved. Like you, I felt bad for the relieved part. In ALL though...God is (and always was) in control. It's just hard to give up that control sometimes. When my due date rolled around I was sad too...but I had to trust God's plan (although secretly I felt guilty because I truly believe part of my miscarriage was my own fault because I had Mirena at the time of getting pregnant). Anyway...I guess all this rambling is to let you know I know exactly how you feel. I've been there. Just yet another way we are sooo much alike. Just wished we lived closer! Hugs to you friend!
Jamie
You are morning because even when you think you are done, you also would have loved another just as much. Moms hearts get bent and twisted a lot, don't they. Hugs to you.
I just fell upon your blog looking for puppy cupcakes and read this. So sad. So sorry for your loss. I am with you...I don't know if you can really feel "done" until our body tells us we are (unless we get it fixed so that we are definitely done, ya know?). Hope you are doing better now.
And your cupcakes were adorable!
Post a Comment